It’s been a while since I’ve added to my blog because last summer, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Contrast that big has a way of refocusing the mind and, as inconvenient as that may be, it serves as a reminder that, even for us conscious creators, we are not the ones in control!
I can say that with clarity now, but I have to tell you that accepting cancer into my wonderful life, where I take responsibility for everything, hasn’t been completely straight forward. It certainly wasn’t what I was expecting.
After all, I was riding high, feeling like everything was coming together. I was just a few weeks off launching my online programme and full of love for it. I remember my first thought when the doctor confirmed I had cancer was not the typical “Why me?” but “Well how the hell have I attracted this?”
I questioned my own authenticity. Was I really as good at ‘life’ as I thought? Crikey my job was helping people manifest health, happiness, love and wealth – how could I continue my work when I was attracting stuff like cancer? Was I a complete fraud? Would my friends and family think I was full of spiritual tosh?
“Sometimes the best alignment produces something you may consider a challenge.” Abraham Hicks
The funny thing was, despite having some dark thoughts, I also had a much stronger underlying feeling that everything was really ok and that I didn’t need fixing. I know how strange this must sound, but I actually felt excited – like something amazing was about to happen in my life… All I could think was if the Universe has my back, how could this not turn out to be a gift of some kind?
“Contrast is your friend, not your enemy.” Abraham Hicks
I remember about two months before my diagnosis saying to Simon that the only part of my online course that I felt slightly apprehensive about teaching was the module on manifesting good health. This was because, apart from depression, I had never had what I considered to be a serious illness before. I questioned how I could connect and empathise with people wanting to overcome the limitations of severe illness. No need for me to tell you be careful what you wish for!!
I’ve since wondered if I was in denial at that stage, that I was simply using my inner strength to do what I had to do to get through the coming months of treatment, but I don’t think I was. I think what was happening was, because I was in such a good place, working every day on something that filled me with passion, playing tennis, (which I love), four times a week, I was fiercely aligned with my soul and how it felt. And how it felt was GREAT – cancer or no cancer!
“Happiness is not the absence of problems; but the ability to deal with them.” Steve Maraboli
Over the next few months, I surprised myself. I set out on a journey to embrace the experience of cancer fully, and in particular, with love. Anything less would have felt like resistance because it was all part of what my body had created – all a part of me. I was determined to do whatever I could to heal, or at the very least, help myself. Breasts represent nurture, so nurture and self-compassion became my focus – physically, spiritually and emotionally.
I read, researched and questioned. I bought books on radical remission, mind body healing, vegan cooking. I juiced. I took anything that wasn’t an organic plant out of my diet, and I embarked on a holistic ritual of emotional clearing. Meditation, Reiki, medicinal mushrooms, immune building and cancer suppressing supplements, exercise, comedy and frequency medicine were all built into my daily routine. There was room for little else but healing.
Cancer is a whole industry and it’s one based on fear – for obvious reasons. If ever there was a challenge to stay in ‘my good place’, it was then. After all, everyone has a cancer story and most are eager, with all good intentions, to get down in the cancer dirt to play with you.
The pitying looks and titbits of other’s survival stories become part of daily life. People are good, especially in a crisis. They want to do all they can to help, and they feel out of control – especially when someone they love is trying to resist conventional medicine and forge their own path to wellness. That was me.
In the beginning I resisted the conventional medical pathway, including the advised surgery. I felt like I was in a narrow corridor of hospital doors each home to a doctor waving his naughty finger at me when I wouldn’t relinquish control of my fate. Facts and figures behind tried and tested treatments thrust in my face, that to me felt largely unnecessary.
I followed my heart for four months, finding my voice to push back on surgery and treatment to the frustration of those around me. It was challenging. Every time I went back into the hospital environment, surrounded by people who all thought the same way, I shot straight back into a vibration of fear and doubt for what I was trying to achieve. I wobbled. Often.
The cancer did stop growing in the months after I was diagnosed. But I didn’t manage to shrink it and when my ultrasounds showed that some of my lymph nodes were getting angry – signifying that the cancer had metastasized into them – I decided to go ahead with an operation. Part of my left breast and all the axillary lymph nodes were removed in five hours of surgery.
When I finally went ahead with the op, I was in a place where it felt like absolutely the right thing to do. The Universe had lined up all the people for me to help me make a decision, in perfect timing and everything fell into place within days. I felt calm and positive about what I was doing, whereas prior to that, it hadn’t felt like the right thing to do at all. It felt like I was being pushed into something by ‘the system’ and that felt terrible.
I waited until the right path opened up for me, despite how uncomfortable it made everyone else around me feel. It’s hard to stay your course and stick to your own beliefs when they contradict what the majority of the world believes.
Those around us want what’s best for us, but what they think is best can only align with their own beliefs; what makes them feel most comfortable. I was glad I waited until I had some clarity of my own and, whilst I had to keep checking in with my ego to make sure I wasn’t just being stubborn about being right, I got there in the end. Everything went smoothly and the op was a great success.
Nobody can prepare you for the difficult decisions you have to make after a cancer diagnosis. These don’t stop with surgery or even after the other treatments are over. Now more than ever I have to make a conscious daily decision to live in the vibration of love, unlimited by the fear of what might happen next. But it’s so worth the effort!
And I was right about this being a gift. I’d like to share with you the incredible side of what having cancer has given me…
- I know now that it is possible to empower yourself through ANY situation. And I learned that the tools we need to get us through times of great adversity and contrast are the same as those I advocate for simply feeling happy in life. Having faith, self-compassion and consistently connecting to the energy of the Universe is what it takes.
- Good and bad is whatever YOU define it to be. End of.
- When you’re faced with contrast, the only thing to do is give yourself more love. Don’t waste time asking how, why or what you’ve done to create something. You’ve done nothing wrong and nothing is ever going wrong.
- Proper clean eating is the most awesome thing you can do for yourself. It makes you feel fabulous. (But… never beat yourself up for not doing it right because that’s the opposite of being compassionate with yourself.)
- Life isn’t always easy; nor is it supposed to be, so appreciate every second that is!
- A deep dive into learning something new feels great – whatever the circumstances.
- People are amazing. Your friends want to support you. You family wants to love you. Your doctors want to heal you. Let them. No (wo)man is an island.
- Gratitude really does change everything.
- Self-transformation isn’t comfortable – when you ask for spiritual growth, expect a bumpy ride! As the saying goes, a smooth sea never made a good sailor!
- Finally, you are stronger and more incredible than you think. And you don’t need to overcome your own serious contrast before you start believing it.